Dear Sherry
I have been dating a man/child for more than a year. I love him and know that I want to spend my life with him, but he has a terrible temper. When he gets angry, he shouts, screams and swears. I leave when that happens and then wait for him to call and apologise. He knows what he does is wrong, but he can't control himself. I am losing my patience and I feel like I can't take it any more, but I don't want to lose him. What should I/we do? Help!
Dolly

answer

Dear Dolly
You really are in an agonizing situation: You love a man - excuse me, a man/child - who doesn't know how to love you back in a healthy manner. Being at the mercy of someone with a terrible temper is frightening and potentially dangerous. Shouting, screaming and swearing is bad enough, but imagine if he starts using his fists to get his points across.

You need to have a very important conversation with him. I suggest holding it in a public place. Let him know exactly how frightened, lonely, and upset his anger makes you feel. Make it clear that you cannot contemplate sharing your life with someone who might explode at any moment. He knows his behavior is wrong. Is he willing to have counseling to try to work out why he gets so angry and to find better ways of expressing it?

If he is, that's wonderful. Then stand by your man. If not, don't let him use you as his verbal or physical punching bag. Yes, it will be hard to end a relationship that means so much to you, but the pain and fear are far outweighing the pleasure at this point. It's better to leave a no-win situation in year two than 10 years down the line. And as hurtful as splitting up with him will be, it's also empowering to refuse to let someone abuse you. The more empowered you are, the more likely you will wind up with a man, not a man/child.

Good luck.

ivillage uk

Handling his terrible temper